Managing Conflict

Marriage is hard and sometimes arguments and conflicts arise, there is nothing wrong with that.  However, our approach may be hurting our relationship with our spouse.  Dr. John Gottman has given couples a way to better resolve conflict in 5 steps:

1. Soft startup: Don’t just start yelling at each other, calmly bring up the issue that you would like to discuss.
2. Effective use of repair attempts: Try to show your spouse you concern by repairing what has been damaged.
3. Watch for flooding: Watch for large surges of emotion, and maybe talk about something else or pause and breath.  It okay to be emotional sometimes conflict can be that way.
4. Compromise:  Unfortunately we can’t always have things the way we like, be willing to talk to one another and work out a plan that fits both of your needs.
5. Be more tolerant of your one another’s imperfections:  We all have them!  Know what they are and just come to understand that, your spouse may just have some fun quirks.

I know that I am very far from perfecting these five steps but I know when I use them confrontations and problem solving are much easier than when I choose not to use them.  But I think that this quote sums up my thoughts…

 

In my marriage, I have found in the moments that I struggle to like my husband I calmly explain to him how I am feeling, why I am feeling that way, and what I would appreciate he do to help me.  Almost every time, he doesn’t even realize it is a problem and is more than willing to work with me and help me feel better.

Too often we let things fester and just expect our spouse to know what the problem is, but last time I checked neither I nor my spouse has any mind reading powers.  It would be nice if we did, but because we don’t we need to talk about things.  And after apply that piece of wisdom into my marriage I was happier then I had ever been previous. Instead of my husband not knowing of my pain or being left to guess, he knew exactly how I felt and was immediately able to do something to help me. 

Don’t let your ideals cloud reality, I would rather have a happy marriage, then a marriage full of I wish.

Also, it is important to remember that your spouse may not get it right all the time.  They may not help in the best way possible even though they think they are helping.  When that happens just lovingly nudge them in the right direction.  Don't be afraid to let your marriage thrive.

Now for a funny video because I think we all need a little more humor in our lives!

Stay out of the Dog House