Staying Emotionally Connected

Sometime in marriage we forget to love each other the way we did when you were dating. Dr. John Gottman says in his book "The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work”, “remind yourself that being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion for your marriage then a two-week Bahamas getaway." 

How can you keep your marriage alive and continue to feel as connected as you did when you were dating?

The most important thing to do is learn to listen.  Now many of you may think that you listen, but how many of you actually listen?  How many of you put your phones down, give your spouse complete attention including eye contact?  And listen to them talk without any intention of replying.  I know for myself that listening with intent is pretty hard. 

Dr. Gottman gives a list of 8 things you can do to truly listen to your spouse:

1. Take turns: for 10-15 minutes give your spouse your full attention to just talk.  Don’t reply just let them talk.
2. Show Genuine Interest: Ask them questions about what they are talking about and keep eye contact, nod your head and show them you are listening with your body language
3. DON’T give unsolicited advice: Most of the time people don’t want your advice they just want someone to listen.  Be there for them and just listen.
4. Communicate your understanding: Empathize with your spouse, show them that you are on their side.  Say things like “I understand how your feeling” or “that must have been really hard”.
5. Take your partners side: This means that you take your spouse’s side even if you think they are overreacting or being unreasonable.
6. Show Affection:  Let your spouse know you care for them, hold them and tell them you love them.
7. Validate Emotions: Let your spouse know that their feelings make sense to you. Say something like, “yeah that was really so sad.”

Sometimes this kind of talking and validation can be hard to figure out.  But doing this will strengthen your relationship with your spouse.  I know that when my husband chooses to listen to me in this way, gives me a feeling of importance and helps me get through my difficulties much easier.  I also know that my husband feels better when I do the same for him.  Listening is hard there is no denying that, but when you do choose to make the effort it is more than worth it!